I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
