Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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