So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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