Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
