this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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