the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
