cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Randomize
