On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
