this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
