Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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