I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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