I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
