Midget sex pt 2 tonight
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
