Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
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She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
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I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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