Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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