it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize