seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
