Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
