Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
