had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
