Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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