I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
porn star boner night. come get it.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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