There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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