He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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