did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
