It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
