Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
