The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
