i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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