I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
There was a lot of him and a little penis
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
