my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
