You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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