She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
