Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
