you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
