you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
