His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
