i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's never too late to be topless.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
