My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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