i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic