If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.