I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
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either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
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You made out with two different species that night
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do