Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
of course. lets lasso hookers.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The uberlube is also flammable
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
