I just saw a hot homeless man
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she pinky promised me she was 18
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize