That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
dude i'm inner monologue high
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
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Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
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we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.