I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest