I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
