there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
