Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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