I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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