She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
