Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
