We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
