No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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