Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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